psychopsilokenz's Journal
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Monday, July 19, 2004
im just gonna ramble on cause there are a million thoughts in my head...
i dont understand why i am so stuck on someone that doesnt give two shits about me.. well no they do but it scares the shit out of him.. why? why does having feelings for me scare people? am i really that bad?? well then wait why is it that when someone else i meet ONE time ends up being really into me and i cant handle it.. what the hell.. i mean granted this is really excessive.. i really want someone to be into me but i dont know how to deal with it...
maybe im destined to just be alone and friends to everyone.. its really what im used to..
then i think to myself why can i not have feelings for good things staring at me in the face.. what the hell is going on????? i feel lost.. i don't know which direction to go.. i have no desire to do anything but what im doing right now... i dont have time for anything else.. nor do i really want to make the time for anything else... staying busy has just been a good thing. .or has it... blehhh.. ive now had too much time to think...
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
i think things will change as soon as i figure out how to hook up my laptop in my apartment that way i dont have to go down to the stupid computer lab all the time...
anyway drama on top of drama on top of wait thats right you guessed it.. more drama...
so the whole chipper thing is done.. really blows if you ask me... im not mad at him or anything.. he just wasnt over his ex yet...and i understand what thats like.. it sucks .. period... but i so like him.. no.. i so love the boy .. so much so that i even told him.. he reacted very well and was very receptive.. mind you i knew he wouldnt say it back and that was totally fine and he was sucha doll when we were talking about everything... i dont know im just sad its over.. however i just started taking yoga classes this week.. wow what an amazing thing to discover.. it was SO spiritual that i SERIOUSLY almost started crying... i know i threw this up in my away message but seriously one of the greatest things i have ever learned ...it is so important to be content with life... and the only way you can do that is by accepting what is in your life now... not what you wish you had... not what you once had before... but what you have now... things in your life will constantly change so you need to appreciate what do have and know there are no guarantees... that seriously helped me start the process of getting over greg.. just wish he was ready.. guess this time around it wasnt meant to work out.... ugh another thing that totally upset me.. one of my best friends turns around and tells me basically that im too emotionally involved with people and that i basically didnt learn anything from brad... um hi last time i checked im doing a million times better .. i mean granted yes i am emotional and sensitive and i whole heartedly care about people i cant help that .. its a part of who i am.. if you dont like it then im sorry.. i mean i know she was only looking out for me and i really appreciate it but have a little more cooth and dont bring out the low blows like that... bleh.. then theres jon but thats a whole other entry that i probably won't get around to for a while.. but i miss him :( i miss goin to robert shows... im pissed that the rep party got cancelled.. i swear people just didnt want to go cause it was my house but whatever... i want to go to shows again and have fun and see my friends.. and i wish that my army buddies didnt have to leave so soon :( i miss you ben ok i cant deal with this crap anymore .. im goin to meditate.. laters
Current mood:  crappy Current music: "Halfway Home" - Jason Mraz
Sunday, May 18, 2003
hey guys... so yeah i FINALLY got to see chipper last night for the first time in over a year and it was AWESOME... for those of you who are unaware of who he is here is a quick background check for ya... i used to see this band called gingham schmuz back in my freshmane year EVERY week... i went one night and this band name brickfoot opened.. i was sick that night so i got there in the middle of the set and it was just awesome.. lots of fun .. i walked up to all the guys afterwards.. told them what i thought and asked them for some signatures... i got everyones but the smallest member.. so i waited and i caught him he introduced himself and we exchanged info and the rest is history.. well i mean theres a lot more to it i just dont feel like typing it right now... besides if you really wanna know all you have to do is ask... anywho i havent seen him in about a year and he called me a few nights ago to tell me about a show he had at the power plant live in baltimore being sponsored by hfs so i told him i'd be there... i was totally psyched cause i was looking to get out of my house cause one of my "oh-so-cool" roomates was having her graduation party and not only was there a dj, but there was a freakin rapper in my house... wtf... anywho, i went and it got rained out so we all went back to their friends matt... we all got beyond drunk and started watching wilco dvd's, and live led zepplin... we stayed up all together till about 5:30 then chipper and i decided to go to bed... although we didnt actually fall asleep till about 7... twas nice but the count is still goin... (trust me guys if my streak had ended i would be throwing a party or something crazy) :op... anyway it was just really sweet.. we cuddled a LOT and i havent cuddled with anyone in the LONGEST time so it was just really sweet... oh yeah did i forget to mention he's only lik 5'2 :) hehe hes awesome though.. it put me in the greatest mood ever... yay.. ok thats enough for now... but i wanted to share my happiness with the world cause me being this giddy doesnt happen THAT often... love ya ~kenz
Thursday, April 10, 2003
ok so i havent been here in forever... and i've been getting nagged at to update and it really has been too long so i might as well fill ya in a few things...
first and foremost.. please pray for our troops fighting our war in iraq... in particular Cpt. Brian Mehan (3rd Brigade, 3rd Infantry Division (M)) and 2nd Lt Charles Hills (4th Infantry Division) they are both good friends of mine and i think about them all the time... may God bring them home safely....
now to the fun stuff... i just got back from Spring Break '03 with my roomie ryan... we went to disney for 3 days... then we went to daytona for the rest of the week... holy insane times.... let's just say if you want to be entertained hand me a few jager bombs and just sit back and watch for a few hours... i danced in a cage 3 nights in a row at my cousins club... i totally hit on his friend brian (who was one of the bartenders)... i went to a strip club and my cousin bought me a lap dance (holy i wanna throw up but it was too damn funny)... the 2nd night at the strip club (no thats not the club my cousin owns) some old chick put a dollar down my shirt and took it out with her teeth... that was soooo weird... strippers really are trashy people.. i dont care what anyone says... i went to a margarita bar... had my first and last shot of saki hmm what else happened.. .oh got my cartilege pierced by the hottest piercer i had ever seen in my entire life (paul)... i went in just as a support to ryan who got her tounge pierced and he asked if i wanted anything and i really just couldnt say no... i kissed a boy in disney who is turning 29 in 2 weeks... oh my god u would think after being that old he may know how to kiss a girl... yeah he definitely sucked... it was the worst kiss i have ever experienced... it was almost traumatizing...so im still on 20 months and counting... i'm goin to chicago to see ari and I CANT WAIT... soon i will have pictures of everything and you will have a visual of some of the craziness that was daytona... i actually have to cut this off here but i promise i will be better and write to "y'all" sooner ;)
have a happy
~kenz
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
today was AWESOME... i got to hang out with garen and raffi... we did promotion on villanova's campus for his show at the point tomorrow.. we were just so hot that we handed out 400 fliers in less than 20 minutes... g had some very interesting tactics to get people to take fliers... he put one one ground and this girl came walking by and garen starts walking towards her and he has a stack of fliers in his hand and stops and starts walking backwards so they both are now going in the same direction... he goes "LOOK DOWN" so the girl looks down then he says "LOOK UP" and has a flier facing her then he goes really fast while doing the g dance "lookdownlookuplookdownlookup" smiled and she took one.. he was just a riot all day.. oh and i think one of the funniest things ever was raffi rolling down the window and asking these two girls where the union was.. after they told us he looks at the girl with a flier in his hand and goes "so what are you doing tomorrow night?" and she just completely booked it... it was a freakin riot.. we cracked on him all day for that.. (sorry raf)... annnnywho im exhausted... so i decided i will rest my eyes so i can drive tomorrow to the point... again :) yay.. ok i will update hopefully sooner than last time... love you guys
~kenz
p.s. dan... brrrring it :op
Current mood:  energetic
Friday, March 14, 2003
so after nights of being a "computard" i finally figured out how to work this thing...
tonight was interesting .. not onl did it involve my being ill and missing an awesome show (thank you SO much kat and er for letting me listen) i got to talk to an old friend... and basically he reassured me that everything is really gonna be ok, and for the first time in a really long time i felt kinda good about myself...
if you ever have the opportunity to tell someone the way you feel about them don't let it pass you by... you really never know if you'll have that opportunity to do it again, also do it because no matter how "weird" or "shamed" you may feel it makes people feel really good to know that you were thinking of them..
i have met some of the most incredible people in the past year and i know i don't say it enough but i seriously love you guys more than you will ever know.. you guys keep me goin and keep me smiling...no matter how long or not long for that matter you all are amazing people in my eyes *********hugs*********
sorry for bein all sappy and whatnot but its something thats on my mind at the moment so tough shit ;) they'll be more "kenz style" in entries to come
love ya,
me
Current mood:  thankful Current music: Zero 7 - "Destiny"
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psychopsilokenz's journal